Saturday, October 13, 2012

Ordinary People, After All



“They are ordinary people, after all. For a time they had entered the world of the newspaper statistic; a world where any measure you took to feel better was temporary, at best, but that is over.”

            One of my all-time favorite books is Judith Guest’s Ordinary People. The story of a depressed high school student dealing with survivor’s guilt hit home to me for many reasons, not the least of which was undiagnosed depression that had troubled me for half my own high school years. The main character, Conrad, ultimately triumphs (as did I, I suppose).
          An interesting aspect of the story is the torment of a private family being thrust into the local spotlight—first for the tragedy of one son drowning; then for the horror of the second son attempting suicide by cutting his wrists. In Lake Forest, this simply isn’t done.
          The quotation above appears partway through the book, when some measure of healing has begun for the family. They can finally live life without the tragedies constantly shadowing them. I empathized with them in the abstract. Now, in a small way, I am living it.
          My cousin, Sue, is two years younger than I. We grew up together as close as most sisters. Eventually, we both moved away from the Chicago suburbs and then, as adults, lived only three hours’ drive apart for a number of years. Thanksgiving together was almost mandatory. When Sue married, I was honored to be a bridesmaid and delighted to catch the bouquet. When she was pregnant, I was at the baby shower. I’ve known both of her sons since their infancy.
          Logan, who would’ve been 25 in November, drowned September 15 at Lake Almenor in Northern California. I cannot say enough about what a terrific guy he was, or what a loss this has been for our entire family. When his body had not been recovered by September 29, a beautiful memorial service was held.
          Listening to Logan’s friends talk about what a great guy he was was both heartbreaking and healing. I knew Logan as my beloved cousin, as close as I get to a kid of my own. His friends knew him from a different direction altogether, and it was beautiful to hear about this other Logan who inhabited the lives of his friends.
          Since I first heard the news, Logan has not been off my mind for a minute. It’s like he’s sitting on my shoulder, and the weight of the grief is exhausting. But I’m not sure I want to let it go, either. I really don’t know why; perhaps it’s about facing the fact that Logan will never laugh with me again.
          Wednesday a body was found in the lake, very far from where Logan had been swimming. Five more days and it would have been a month. I’m grateful that perhaps we’ll be able to find out how a former swim team competitor drowned in a relatively calm lake. I’m grateful that my cousin no longer has to make decisions about hiring people to search. I’m grateful that none of the family has to fear going to the lake again, knowing Logan is somewhere in it. I’m grateful for all the people, mostly total strangers, who gave countless hours to try to help.
          Another cousin sent me a link to the Reno paper where a brief article appeared about finding the body. Someone was quoted as saying they were 99% sure it was Logan. He also said that dental records might have to be used for identification.
          All of that was bad enough, but what stopped me cold was the photo: three guys rolling a gurney containing a maroon body bag.

          And that is where Ordinary People came in and why it hasn’t left me. I’ve seen body bags before, including dozens stacked up when more than 500 people died in a 1995 Chicago heat wave and hundreds stacked up after Katrina.
          But I didn’t know any of those people.
          I know Logan. And of all the experiences of this nightmare month, beyond the crushing loss, somehow the body bag is the worst. It’s cold and final and, ultimately, very, very lonely. I have never before seen a body bag photo and thought about how that photo would affect family members. Now I know. And I have to ask: is it truly necessary to show that picture?
          So here we are, Logan’s family and friends, thrust into the spotlight. We are ordinary people, too. But ordinary doesn’t quite fit anymore.

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